A Glamorous Life

7:15am

I feel someone standing in front of me breathing. It's the Bird. He whispers in his not so whisper voice "Mom, can I watch cartoons?"

I respond "yes" in a whisper. We've trained him to turn on the TV in the morning if we aren't ready to wake up yet.

His sister isn't awake yet which is a good thing considering that she woke up six times the night before. Must be a growth spurt.

7:47am
The Boo awakes. I nurse her and change her diaper.

8:06am
I make breakfast for the Bird. It's a fancy breakfast of microwavable pancakes and orange juice. We all three sit together at the table as I scan over email. I'm enjoying a mug of coffee and working on organizing our coupons in hopes that maybe I can somehow manage to take both kids to run errands. It's ambitious I know.

9:22am
I'm dressed and we're ready to go. We'll the Boo and I are. The Bird wants no part of going anywhere. So I bribe him. I remind him of the $20 he received as a Valentine's Day gift and how he can spend it on anything he wants. Suddenly, he's game for anything. Crisis avoided.

9:40am
I nurse the Boo and change her diaper.

9:48am
The Boo's in her car seat. Now, the timer has begun. Once she's strapped in there is no turning back. We move quickly to avoid her melt down.                                      

9:55am
Both kids are harnessed into their car seats. I've managed to carry a car seat with a 15 pounder strapped in it, a diaper bag, two bags of outgrown baby clothes, the Bird's jacket and blanket, 7 reusable grocery store bags, and our coupon book to the car. I'd rather rip my arms off carrying everything then making two trips to the car. We get ready to pull out of the driveway and everyone is happy and content.

10:14am
We arrive at our first store. I coach the Bird that we will be in and out of the store quickly because his sister is asleep which means our time is limited. "We must move quickly" I remind him as if we are running as fugitives. He begins his 2,846 questions about locating the type of toy he's seeking.

10:17am
I locate the items I needed and then we head to the toy department. I reiterate "We must move quickly."
After much debate about which toy to purchase and after making a conscious effort to keep the Boo's cart moving we have pretty much shopped the entire store. The Bird makes out with a foam sword and a "headacopter."

                             
10:44am
We check out and use my online coupon. We begin to load back into the car. So much for 'moving quickly.'

10:49am
I nurse the Boo.

11:11am
We roll into the parking lot of the FedEx, pet store, and grocery store. I purposely park the car somewhere in the middle of the stores so that I can finagle mailing my packages, buying dog food, and purchasing two weeks of groceries without moving the car. Because that wouldn't mean re-strapping two kids in again and I'd rather walk up hill in two feet of snow both ways than do that at this point.

I put the Boo in the baby carrier as I rationalize with the Bird. His case: "why he needs to take his new 'headacopter' into the store." I'm not buying it. He wines and carries on.

I cave. I agree stating that it cannot leave his hand at any point.

11:15am
The girl at Fedex helps me mail my packages. She too has a three-year-old she tells me. The Bird looks at me with his loud whisper face and tells me that he wants to throw his 'headacopter' in the store. I give him the look of death as I say "no." I turn back to the FedEx employee when I see his helicopter whiz by my eye. I snatch it up and put it in my left hand out of his reach. I get on his level and stare into his eyes as I try to perfect my 'mom look' and say in the sternest voice I have "what did I say would happen if you threw it?" He immediately falls into melt down mode in the middle of the store, but I don't care.

One, she has a kid so she's been there, too. Two, their is no one else here in the store with us. And, three, all of the merchandise is out of reach of his roll-on-the-floor meltdown. Fine. by. me.

I pay the employee, step over the Bird and head out the door. He gets up and follows.

11:30am
We return to the car to get our reusable grocery bags. The Bird has calmed down at this point. His new objective is to use the left over change from his previous purchase to buy something out of one of the cheap vending machines.

His two quarters purchase two eye balls that stick to everything they touch. I consider it a sound investment to help our shopping trip go smoothly. And it does... until they break.

11:51am
It's been twenty minutes and we're half way through the store. I've used every trick I can think of to keep the Bird happy. Meanwhile, the Boo is getting attention from all sorts of guests as she squeals at the top of her lungs.

We've sampled every cookie, slice of deli meat and cheese, and produce possible. We may have even had seconds. I've given him my phone, asked him to help me coupon, and even had him pick out groceries. The sticky gooey eye balls have broken apart. I return to aisle four when I realize that I've forgotten noodles only to see one of them laying in the middle of the floor. I roll over it, hoping that he won't notice it. Luckily, he doesn't notice it although now our cart bumps as I push it.

12:15pm
We start to check out. I'm proud of my coupon saving efforts as I spread out the coupons like they're cash in front of the cashier. The Bird is beginning to whine and moan that he's ready to go, but they aren't excepting all of my coupons. I speak with the manager and he's starting to really loose it. He's occupied himself with the automatic opening door. Open. Close. Open. Close.

Then here comes melt down number two. He's tired and hungry.

It was fine in FedEx, but here, in the grocery store... No. I wouldn't let it happen. I bribe him again. "Look... you can go ride the dragon." It only cost one cent. Totally worth it... other than the stupid thing is "out or order" and my three year old can't read. Luckily, he's interested and I've just bought myself two more minutes to figure out this coupon debacle.

12:25pm
I survived. Everyone's happy to be heading home. Until... I realize we forgot stamps. I haul the kids back into the store and make our way to the customer service counter. I order stamps and turn around to head out, but I can't find the Bird. He was right beside me. I swear. I look up and he's trying to open the cigar case. He's standing on the bottom baseboard and is really trying hard to get the doors open. Luckily they're locked, but I can't help myself as I shout his first and last name.

He's not a climber. He's a good kid. He just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

He's startled and immediately turns his lip out and begins to cry. That's okay though, because the Boo has had it too and she begins to fuss as I place her into her chamber of terror car seat. 

   

        

12:44pm
We've made it home. I've feed the Boo. Groceries are unloaded. I'm beat. The kids are beat. I quickly forage through the pantry for lunch and it appears that we have nothing to eat. Nothing. How is that even possible? I make the Bird left overs.

1:05pm
Nap time. Praise. The. Lord. Except the Bird won't cooperate. I finally barter with him enough to convince him that he doesn't have to take a nap as long as he "lays on the bed quietly with his eyes closed." Unfortunately he's too smart for that so he asks if he can play quietly in his room. I don't care at this point because I'm defeated exhausted.

1:20pm
I lay on the couch with the Boo who has fallen asleep nursing. I hear the Bird quietly playing in his room. Everyone's content for the moment including me.

1:40pm (ish... I guess)
I hear someone loudly whispering my name "Mom...Mom... MOM..." I know it's the Bird. I has just fallen in a deep sleep. My thoughts "If I ignore him he'll stop or take a hint..." But he doesn't. "Mom... mom...MOM..."

I continue to ignore him. I might even be able to sleep through him calling my name. I'm that tired.

I hear him walking up to me. He's still loudly whispering my name. I'm getting my threatening mom look ready for him when he approaches me and his sleeping sister.

Then I realize...  He's standing beside me with no pants. And no underwear. None. NONE.

"Where are your pants?" I ask in astonishment.

"Mom... I need you to wipe my bottom."

Oh. It's a Glamorous Life indeed.